Vineyard Press

Humor Me

My grandfather always said, “Don’t watch your money; watch your health.” So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather. (Jackie Mason)

A guy asks a lawyer what his fee is. “I charge $200 for three questions,” the lawyer says. “That’s awfully steep, isn’t it?” the guy asks. “Yes,” the lawyer replies, “Now what’s your final question?”

I failed my driver’s test. The guy asked me, “What do you do at a red light?” I said, “I don’t know…look around, listen to the radio…. (Bill Braudis).

Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. “Here’s that $20 I owe you,” he says.

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, “You should have been here at 8:30!” He replies: “Why? What happened at 8:30?”

I went to a psychiatrist, and he says, “You’re crazy.” I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, “Okay, you’re ugly too!” (Rodney Dangerfield)

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, “Stop! Don’t do it!” “Why shouldn’t I?” he said. “Well, there’s so much to live for!” “Like what?” “Well…are you religious?” He said yes. I said, “Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?” “Christian.” “Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?” “Protestant.” “Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?” “Baptist.” “Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?” “Baptist Church of God!” “Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God , or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?” “Reformed Baptist Church of God!” “Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?” He said, “Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!” I said, “Die, heretic scum,” and pushed him off the bridge. (Emo Philips)

A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, “Please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back.” And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: “He had a hat!” (Myron Cohen)

The Zen Master steps up to the hot dog stand and says: “Make me one with everything.” The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master who pays with a 20 dollar bill. The hot dog vendor puts the bill in the cashbox and closes the drawer. “Where’s my change?” asks the Zen Master. And the hot dog vendor responds, “Change must come from within.”

A businessman from Wisconsin went on a business trip to Louisiana. Upon arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop into the hotel room port and sent a short email back home to his wife, Jennifer Johnson, at her address, This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it . Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter and the email ended up going to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it , a Jean Johnson in Duluth, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away and was buried that day. The preacher’s wife took one look at the email and promptly fainted. It read, “Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!”

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors and also to love our enemies; probably because generally they are the same people. (G.K. Chesterson)

A bachelor who lived at home with his mother and pet cat went on a trip to Europe. Before he left he told his best friend to inform him of any emergencies. A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the roof, fell off and was killed. His friend immediately wired him with the message: “Your cat died!” In a few hours he was back home, having cut short his trip in grief and anger at his friend, whom he told, “Why didn’t you break the news to me gradually? You know how close I was to my cat! You could have sent a message, ‘Your cat climbed up on the roof today,’ and the next day you could’ve written, ‘Your cat fell off the roof’ and let me down slowly that he died.” After a quick memorial service, the bachelor left again to continue his trip. A few days later he returns to his hotel and there is a message waiting for him from his friend. He read, “Your mother climbed up on the roof today.”

An elderly man was at home dying in his bed. He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies. With waning strength, he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped a warm, moist chocolate chip cookie his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula. “Why?” he whispered. “Why did you do that?” “They’re for the funeral,” she replied.

OLDY BUT GOODIE
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, “Bring me my red shirt!”
The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.
Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, “Bring me my red shirt!” And once again the battle was on. The Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, however this time more casualties occurred.
Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day’s occurrences when an ensign looked to the captain and asked, “Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?” The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, “If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid…”
The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, “Bring me my brown pants!”